she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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