Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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