You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
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i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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