I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize