We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
