she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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