It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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