Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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