omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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