You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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