Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sorry about my life...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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