You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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