I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
