yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
