If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
