Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Who died my cat blue again?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
