my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
