A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
