So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
