My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
