Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
