i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
