My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
