Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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