How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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