Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
