Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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