I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
