when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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