I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
