I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
