i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
