you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
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And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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