Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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