went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm always down for nudity.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
