So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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