i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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