i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
