Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
