There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
