I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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