I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Randomize
