I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
