booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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