You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
