What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Congratulations! We have a period
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