I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
