Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
