she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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