You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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