Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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